Some thoughts...

Well, once in a while, I'll just think about random things. When I'm not too tired at night, I'll just reflect about stuff and ponder about things before dozing off too sleep. But, too often than not, I'm just too tired and fall asleep as soon as my hitting the pillow.

But, somehow, after a really long day and long week yesterday night, I managed to put in some good thinking. It has been a long week as I had been trying to sort too many things out at the same time. Homework, quizzes, prepare for exam, presentation, other admin stuff, emails, dinner... All these stuff were chipping away my sleep, and I had 4-5 hours or sometime less sleep each night for the past 5 days. NO GOOD. I know it's just soon before I crash. And the cough that I'm developing/healing from is not helping either.

So, with that little sleep, I still put in my 'usual' run, (I'm on a 3 miles and 5 miles every other day plan). And yesterday, Student Actuaries @ Michigan (SAM) won our IM volleyball match again. It will be semifinal on Tuesday, and hopefully, final on Wednesday. But, at the same time, Quiz on Tuesday, presentation on Wednesday, and midterm and homework on Thursday. And not to mention a big paper due and a final the following week, and then 3 finals the next week. Well, enough of ranting and bitching about school and exams.

So, I managed to catch the last episode of Lost yesterday, and one sentence in Sawyer and Hugo's conversation hit me really hard. "What if I don't want to be a leader?" "Do you think Jack wants to be a leader?"

As a leader for many stuff since I was 6, somehow, I was always picked by teachers and all. I remembered somehow, I was picked to give a welcoming speech in Mandarin for my kindergarten annual performance event. Then, when I was 7 (1st grade/standard 1), I was picked as the class monitor, and I don't think I even know what is a class monitor. And then, with prior experience, making me a class monitor and school prefect were much easier for teachers. And I was 'something' every year for my school life, both in primary and secondary school. But, somehow, the question "what if I don't want to be a leader?" had ever come to me.
I mean, did I or did I not want to be leader back in the days? Come to think about it now, I don't know. I mean, how would I know?

But well, if I were to think about this same question, it just sounds weird. What if I don't want to be a leader? I still don't have a good answer to that question. I know that I would like to be a leader, but would I would like to be a leader? What's in it for me that I would make sacrifices and all to be a leader? Do I want the power? Or do I like to lead? Or do I just want to show others what I'm capable of? Or do I just care too much? Or do I just have nothing else better to do? I really don't know. Maybe I'm just too comfortable to be in the driver's seat since I was put in this position for so long now.

Can't believe it's snowing now, it's freaking April, and yes, this weekend's weather is hovering in the 20s - 30s... (Fahrenheit), below freezing point.